This is all so much for me. I miss the comfort of not knowing. Of getting up, working out for 2 or more hours, shopping, preparing dinner for my family, and then sometimes doing another workout in the evening along with my husband. I miss being normal. (was that even normal?) I miss being "in the dark" about God and my life.
I thought I was spiritual. I thought I was loving. I thought I was a good person. I did my thing, not hurting anybody in the process. I didn't know I was hurting myself. Worshipping at the wrong alter. I thought all was good and right with me and God. Until lightning struck, and the world as I knew it was literally taken from me in an instant. What has unfolded in the past 7 months has left my world upside down. And my families too. My physical self was unhinged. I was sick. I was undiagnosed. I was lost. Each hospitalization felt more defeating. The doctors were looking at me and acting like I was crazy. I was dizzy, my vision was skewed. I had headaches and neck pain. I couldn't be upright without feeling like I was going to pass out. My reflexes and heart rate were affected. My breath left me when I talked.
I spent days on the couch. Watching the world around me. Looking at my friends photos on facebook. Life was carrying on and I was stripped of it. I couldn't understand what was happening. I can tell you the MOMENT my life changed. And no one could help me. I was so sad. And my family... I was the Mom that created magic in this house. The singing, the road trips, the dinners, the vacations. My world revolved around the gym and my family, and I could no longer do either. I had nothing. I had darkness, sadness and fear. I had a broken body. I had tears, tears from my deepest places, that I struggled to hide from my kids. They are older, sure, but everyone still lives at home and I have always created the energy in this house. It was bad enough this was happening to me. But to them!! I almost couldn't bear it.
What comes next is a breaking. A huge breaking. And I am still climbing my way out. God shows up. That is what I am learning. That's what I hear. That's where the struggle is. That's the letting go that is keeping me stuck. I feel glimpses of it., and then the fear wins. I don't want to be this person. This anxious, fearful girl. I want to let go. I want to trust. I want to bend. Breaking, can you please be done soon?
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